Gathering Logs for my Fire

Welcome! My name is Keri. I'm a 30 year old wife and mom from Long Island. I have 2 beautiful daughters- a 2 year old and a 6 month old and a great husband. I am also fat. Not just a few pounds overweight- fat. I've always struggled with my weight. I was the chubby kid in elementary school who had to shop in the "pretty plus" section (the girl's version of "husky"). I thinned out a bit once I got to middle/high school. I joined the swim team for a year then switched over to tennis. I played on the varsity team through high school and also attended dance class. I was so busy- I never really had the time to eat junk food. My weight went up once I started college, got into a serious relationship and became less active. I commuted to school and lived at home. It was all too easy to grab food on the go from the closest fast food joint. I was also waitressing and eating late at night once my shifts ended. My boyfriend and I would order in pizza and get ice cream from the 24hr Baskin Robbins. I'm not really sure how heavy I got at that point- I would guess in the 190's.

I had just started the Atkins diet when the boyfriend and I broke up. Being single gave me the motivation I needed to stick to the diet. I didn't really follow the traditional program. I didn't live on fatty steaks and bacon. I mostly ate salads, grilled chicken, broccoli and almonds. I dropped around 60lbs within 6-8 months. I was skinny. I loved it. I was going out dancing with my friends several nights a week, roller blading for miles and most of my calories came from vodka and club sodas at the bars. I was getting plenty of attention and having a blast. After a few months I started dating someone new and kept the weight off through our 6 months together.
After that boyfriend dropped me- I began seeing the ex-boyfriend again. He had also lost a ton of weight. Unfortunately, through the next few years, we slowly gained back all of the weight we had lost. We were back to a lifestyle that involved staying in watching movies, eating pizza and going out to dinner.

From then on my weight yo-yo'd- but I've never been "skinny" again. The boyfriend and I are now married (5 years this September- woot woot!), own a house and have our 2 girls. Pregnancy has allowed me to  pile on the pounds more than ever before and I'm ready to do something about it. I'm at my all time heaviest and I hate it.

I hate being fat, but I love food. I love to eat. I like being active- but being heavy has hindered that aspect of my life. My feet and ankles hurt all the time. I have zero endurance. I have dreams of being a runner. Crossing finish lines with a happy, proud-of-myself glow. I would love to play tennis again, and to teach my daughters to play. I want to be a good role-model. Right now my 2 year old's eating habits are as bad as mine are. That needs to change. If I can't find the will power to do this for myself- I will do it for my kids.

I don't have the money to join an expensive gym or hire a trainer. I can't afford a structured weight loss program at the moment. However- I know the guidelines for a very popular program from having once been a member. I also have the calculator from that program ;-) and there are plenty of recipes to be found out in blog land. This is going to be my method, but I'm going to do it alone without attending meetings or joining the online program.

I've been doing lots of hunting for recipes and weight loss tips over the years. I've never found anyone who I can identify with. No one who has had a lot of weight to lose, who talks about how difficult it is to start, who recognizes that there are ups and downs. I recently came across Jennifer's blog: It Sux to Be Fat. For some reason what she had to say resonated. I can relate to her in so many ways. She is inspiring.

One of her recent blog posts sparked me to start this blog. In it, she speaks about the weight loss journey as a fire.

"For those of you that know anything about fires, you know that you have to have some good coals in order for your fire to continue burning. Not only do you have to have good coals but you also have to continually add wood and stoke it in order to KEEP the fire from going out."

After reading, I began to think about what I need to do to start my fire.For starters- I need a spark. I suppose my spark is the recent pictures of myself I find repulsive. My kindling is the clothes I no longer fit into. The logs- perhaps the most important part of the fire- are what I need to continue gathering. I have one already- my children. They will be my main source of will power and motivation. I'm sure I'll pick up some more "logs" along the way. For now though, I hope this will be enough to get me started.

Thanks for reading.